Authenticity in a Cookie-Cutter World
From the moment we’re born, we’re influenced directly and indirectly to think a certain way about who we are, what we should be and what we should have. The family home, educational institutions, organized religious groups, sports clubs, social circles and workplaces are just some of the many spheres of influence. And in the digital age where our screens follow us everywhere, what was once our reprieve from the outside world —alone time— is chock full of messages about how we should think, look and feel if we want to be “liked”, “happy” or “successful.” This regular bombardment of extrinsic influences and suggestive content is why it’s more difficult than ever to find one’s true self and lead an authentic life.
So what is authenticity? Why is it important? And what does an authentic life look like?
To be authentic is to deeply know yourself —your feelings, beliefs and values— and act in direct accordance with your true self above all else. When we live authentically, we are in the best position possible to achieve true fulfillment and happiness.
The first part of authenticity is to deeply know who you are. Knowing thyself requires mindfulness, self-awareness and self-acceptance; the ability to be alone in person and thought, to become the observer of the mind and the thoughts that flow into your consciousness, and to accept your thoughts without judgement or shame.
Who are you deep down? What are your strengths and weaknesses. What do you like, dislike, love, hate, believe, value and desire? Who would you be if you weren’t afraid of criticism, rejection or abandonment? What do you hold back out of fear of what others think? What aspects of yourself do you deem “unacceptable”? What parts of yourself do you believe are unlovable, shameful or worthless?
Be still with your sacred true self and ponder these questions while holding space for the universal truth that you are good enough exactly as you are. Whatever parts you believe are negative, embrace them with non-judgment. This is integration of the light self with the shadow self — the root of integrity; the quality of being whole. It’s when you discover your wholeness that you are empowered to no longer need anything outside of yourself be okay.
The second component to authenticity is to act in direct accordance with your true self above all else. Doing so calls for something special which everyone has deep within — courage. Once you’ve discovered exactly who you are, it’s your calling to live it out no matter what anyone thinks, says or does to you as a result of you following your path.
It’s perfectly normal to be hesitant or afraid to follow your path. After all, our survival instincts have us hardwired to belong. But let it not be at the cost of losing your soul. Remember that courage isn’t the absence of fear; it’s the choice to move forward despite your fears. Rise above yours fears with the core understanding that by being someone you’re truly not, you’re betraying your sacred self and your true purpose. And by hiding who you are rather than putting it all on full display, you’re essentially telling yourself that who you are is not okay. This is self-abandonment and creates profound dis-ease in the soul (depression, anxiety, and loneliness to name a few). Living in accordance with your authentic self can initially feel uncomfortable but, in time, blossoms into unspeakable peace, joy and contentment.
There’s no ONE SIZE FITS ALL when it comes to authentic living.
Authentic living is subjective to your unique spiritual path and, because of that, won’t manifest the same as another person. This is what many find intimidating about living authentically (if you can’t compare your journey to someone else’s so how can you know if you’re on the right path?). Your intuition—your spiritual GPS—will always be your guide on this. It’s that subtle voice from within which speaks up when you’re straying from your true North. We all have intuition, but it’s only as strong as you allow it to be. The more you listen to that small guiding voice, the louder it will become and the clearer your path. Daily meditation is the fastest way to strengthen your inner voice and intuition.
To flesh out this concept of living in accordance with your true self, below are a couple of scenarios of authentic vs. inauthentic living:
PEACE AT ANY COST, IS NO PEACE AT ALL
Jay is in a relationship with a woman who struggles with insecurity issues and feels threatened by many things including any show of independence Jay makes despite the fact that he’s always been faithful, loving and respectful to her.
Inauthenticity: Jay worries about the passive-aggressive backlash he’ll face anytime she feels vulnerable. In order to “keep the peace” with her, he avoids outings with friends, weekend trips with family, hobbies outside the home, or any situation she would feel threatened by. Over time Jay becomes resentful, depressed and unenthusiastic. When he raises the issue with her, she shuts him down and tells him he’s being selfish, even though when she met him, these aspects of him were in clear view. He chooses to stay in the relationship for fear of being alone. Every day that he strives to manage her emotions for her, he takes precious energy away from manifesting the abundant life he knows he deserves.
Authenticity: Jay values the positive aspects of their relationship but above all else he values trust in a relationship, as well as a woman who is secure enough in herself to let him be who he is. He recognizes in himself feelings of being weighed down by her controlling actions. He addresses his concerns with her lovingly, honestly and directly. In response, she throws a tantrum and breaks up with him. Although sad, Jay doesn’t beg her to return because he knows he’s worth more than being tossed aside for wanting a healthy relationship. He doesn’t feed the toxicity by going back and making amends, which leaves her with two options: grow out of her immaturity, or end the relationship. Whatever her decision, Jay’s commitment to his self-care creates opportunities for the right blessings to find him. In the meantime he continues to thrive, flourishing in the activities and personal relationships he enjoys most.
Even though the above are both painful circumstances for Jay, only one has the momentum to continue unfolding into a happier, more fulfilling life: the authentic life. At the end of the day, authentic Jay knows what he values most and had the courage to assert himself, even in the face of losing someone he loves. It’s not easy to let go of something or someone you care about, but the truth is that there’s no greater pain than self-betrayal.
THE PRESSURE OF OUTSIDE OPINIONS
Sophia just finished her degree in accounting at the insistence of her parents. Despite doing well in her program, she’s lacking the motivation to pursue a career in accounting and often daydreams about following her passion for culinary arts. Her parents try fervently to persuade her to begin her career, pointing out how impressed they are that several of her friends are succeeding in high-power jobs and and enjoying upscale lifestyles.
Inauthenticity: Feeling the pressure of her parents to follow their notion that power, money, status, and appearances equate to success and happiness, Sophia gets a job at a reputable accounting firm. There she works long hours to work her way up the ladder. She spends large amounts of money to purchase a new car, a nice condo in the city, and several vacations a year. And like her friends, she incessantly shares on the manufactured highlights of her life on social media hoping to impress…hoping to feel like she’s “arrived”, but a looming feeling of emptiness lingers within. Most days she oscillates between agitation and boredom. Her sparks of creativity and passion which once burned so brightly are replaced by slow burning embers of apathy. She finds herself wondering almost cynically, “is this really what life is about?”
Authenticity: She expresses gratitude to her parents for guiding her until this point, but she feels strongly that a career in accounting isn’t right for her. She’s met with protest not only from concerned family but from her friends as well. Deep down she knows that power, money, status and appearances don’t equate to happiness…that instead, her values are in creativity, passion and inspiration. Guided by her intuition (higher self), she decides to pursue her dream of owning her own restaurant as a head chef. As she hones her cooking skills on the weekends, she gets a job as an accountant for a humble but successful restaurant. Although she’s not making nearly the same money she would at a reputable accounting firm, she gains valuable knowledge about the restaurant industry. And because she isn’t running the rat race of striving to impress other people, she’s able to focus on her own goals and save significant money. Within a few years she purchases her very own restaurant. She works long hours but because she’s living out her calling, she’s happy, fulfilled and her eyes are full of light.
Sophia faced difficult challenges in the above situation, but by choosing to live authentically she was able to create a divinely satisfying life. Living in accordance with your true self doesn’t mean you won’t face hardship. You’ll still experience challenges, it’s just that the challenges you come across will be more aligned with your journey, catapulting your growth towards your highest self.
If you aren’t doing so already, take the time to get to know yourself. REALLY get to know who you are and explore the limitless aspects of your soul. Create space every day to connect with the sacred aspects of your being. Remember you’re an incredible spark of the Universe and there’s only just one of you with so many gifts to offer the world. Find them. Shine them. Honor them at all costs. Anything else is merely existing.